Autonomy of a Tickle

The topic of tickling has come up among friends recently and I'd like to get back into the swing of writing, so...

This piece was originally published as a guest post on Tales of the Kitchen Witch in December 2012.

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When I was a preteen, I remember my brother tickling me to the point of crying. I'd be yelling for him to stop, begging him to stop. He would point out that I was laughing, so I must be enjoying it. I do not ever want my children (or anyone, for that matter) to be put in that position.

Babies can't even tell you they don't want to be tickled. But they are so much fun to tickle! There has to be a way to respect our babies' autonomy and still (possibly) enjoy a good tickle, right? There is! I have some suggestions for you.

The most important trick to any tickle game with a baby is anticipation. If you can give them a chance to anticipate (and to learn when to anticipate) the tickle, you give them the opportunity to object.

With Sasha, I would make tickle hands and chant "Gonna, gonna, gonna" (think Jaws music) as I got closer, then "Get you!" as I tickled her.

Sasha would also run away and back to me for more tickles.
Also? OMG Look at that chub!! I do love to fatten up my babies!

Here comes the next important tip: Short bursts of tickling. I would never tickle a child to breathlessness. It can be fun for both the tickler and the child, sure, but I want to make sure children are capable of communicating "stop" to me when they feel it necessary. It can be difficult and awkward to enforce this with other people tickling your child (even older siblings), but I really feel it is an important lesson. If any child says "stop" - that should be heard and respected. I think of this helping to prepare them for other sticky situations later in life.

Back to fun tickling! With Spencer, I hold up my thumbs and index fingers like pincers. I tap thumb and forefinger while making a "tick" sound. I do that a few times before diving my fingers to him and saying "tickle, tickle, tickle!" as I tickle him. Three "tickles" is probably long enough for one burst in the beginning. As he has gotten older (he is a ripe, old 10 months old now, after all!), he reacts to the preparation. When I hold my fingers up and make the sound, he often giggles preemptively! This lets me know that he enjoys the game!

Love to nibble your babies? Oh, I do! I love to nibble around their little, fat, ticklish necks! Find a way to help your babies anticipate the nibble. I open my mouth wide and snap it shut while making an "Om!" noise. I do this a few times before I "Nom, nom, nom!" on them. (This munching is also awesome on ribs, especially on babies that are upside down!) This is one that will surely elicit preemptive giggles if it is a game your child enjoys.

I'm sure you're familiar with This Little Piggy and Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Both of these nursery rhymes are great build-up to tickle play. They offer other learning benefits, too.

How did you feel about being tickled as a child? How do you feel about it now? Do you play tickle games with your children?

Put your boots out: It's Nikolaustag!

Every year, Hobo Mama posts about her family's St Nicholas Day celebations after the fact. I kept suggesting it would be better if she could remind us all beforehand so we could join in! Last year she did it, just for me!! We didn't get much notice, but we got a little. This year, I'm republishing her post (with permission) as a guest post and with more notice!

So: Let this be your reminder! Put your boots out December 5th and Saint Nicholas might just stop by to tuck some shiny little goodies inside!

(Unless you've been naughty, of course. Then all bets are off.)

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Since we speak some German at home, we like to learn about the culture as well. That's why we celebrate Nikolaustag, or St. Nicholas Day, each year.

Because the feast day of Saint Nicholas is December 6, empty boots (Nikolausstiefel) generally go outside the door the night of December 5, the eve of Nikolaustag (Nikolausabend).


Nikolaus is sometimes accompanied by a servant named Knecht Ruprecht, who hauls the bag and does some of the work of sussing out whether children deserve gifts or chastising. In some regions, children are literally quizzed or asked to perform some religious feat. Since we skip the whole naughty-or-nice bit with Santa, too, we just assume boots are going to be filled.


And they always are!


When I lived in Berlin in junior high, I always spent the night before Nikolaustag with a German friend and her family. Her mom did Nikolaustag up right! Just as we do here, they lived in a unit in a larger building so our boots (or shoes) just went in the hallway instead of outside — but Nikolaus always found us, anyway.


Usual gifts are fruit, cookies, nuts, candies, and little trinkets — much like a stocking. Kids are theoretically supposed to shine their boots first, but fire boots don't shine very well. You can also leave a carrot for Nikolaus' horse, but how would a horse get up our stairs?


When we can't locate boots, we go with shoes. Nikolaus is cool with that.


I love looking back at Alrik's baldie-mullet phase. I bet even at 2 years old, he will be thrilled to receive toothbrushes, an orange, and string cheese. Easy-peasy.


Photo by Richard Huber
Here's what a traditional Nikolaus looks like — a bishop, you see, same as the original Nikolaos. He's tall and thin with a white beard. This fourth-century Greek saint is the basis for various St. Nicholas celebrations around the world as well as the branching out into Good Ol' St. Nick:

He had a reputation for secret gift-giving, such as putting coins in the shoes of those who left them out for him, and thus became the model for Santa Claus, whose modern name comes from the Dutch Sinterklaas, itself from a series of elisions and corruptions of the transliteration of "Saint Nikolaos." {Wikipedia}

I think St. Nicholas Day is a nice time to remind kids to be secret Santas themselves — looking for little ways they can give at this season and the rest of the year, too. Maybe they could leave a little gift for a sibling or do someone else's chore without being asked. You could choose a giving tree or other charity in your town to brighten up someone's Christmas. You could prettily bag some clementines for friends to leave at their door, ring the bell, and run. You could choose a far-off loved one to receive a surprise care package. I was thinking a nice Nikolaus twist for us would be to make and leave goodies and an explanatory note at our neighbors' doors — even if they forgot to put their boots out!

For some extra fun, you could incorporate some other activities into your celebration:

• Polish or give a good scrub to the boots or shoes you're going to put out!
• Make your own boot craft — sew together two pieces of fabric or felt in a boot shape, or cut out a boot shape from construction paper and decorate.
• Bake cookies in the shapes of boots and mitres (bishop's hat).
• Draw Nikolaus in his red robes with his tall hat, long beard, and staff.
• Head to the St. Nicholas Center's kids page for printable crafts, story videos, and online games.
• Sing traditional Nikolaustag songs, such as "Lasst uns froh und munter sein" — both the German lyrics and an English translation are available here, along with recorded versions you can listen to and use to sing along. Here's sheet music of the melody if you or your children want to pick it out on an instrument. "Kind Old Man St. Nicholas" is an English version of a traditional German song. Here's the German and English and audio file for "Kling, Glöckchen" ("Ring, Little Bell"), a traditional song that's pretty fun to sing. Here's a more recent Nikolaus-Lied in German.
• Listen to German natives sing songs of the season, such as this Nikolaus-themed mp3 album, Kling Glöckchen Kling that features the song "Nikolaustag."
• Read a St. Nicholas story, such as The Fiercest Little Animal In The Forest or The Gift from Saint Nicholas.
• Bake something Germanic and yummy — maybe these Nutella & cinnamon cookies, hazelnut macaroons, traditional Pfeffernüsse (pepper nuts), Nikolausschnitten (fruit dainties), Schokoladekugeln (chocolate balls), marzipan carrots and potatoes (for the horse — but really for you), or bread baked in a boot shape and decorated with sweets. For breakfast or a less sugar-heavy delectation, slice and alternate bananas and strawberries in the shape of a staff or fry up some egg-based Pfannkuchen (pancakes).

Nikolaustag is fun and cultural. Give it a try with your kids this year!

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Lauren blogs at Hobo Mama about natural and attachment parenting and is the co-founder of Natural Parents Network. She lives and writes near the beach with her husband, Sam, and their sons: seven-year-old Mikko, three-year-old Alrik, and newborn Karsten. Lauren happily shares her knowledge of German customs and language with all three.

This post originally appeared on Hobo Mama.

You are Your Child's Advocate

This post was originally published as a guest post on Hybrid Rasta Mama in February 2014.

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You know your child better than anyone else. Don't let anyone ever convince you otherwise, including doctors!

The first time a doctor told me I needed to night-wean my child (Sasha, then 2½ years old), I held off a bit and talked to several natural parenting friends that I trust. Night weaning turned out to be exactly what we needed to do for her.

The second time our Pediatrician (same doctor) told me I needed to night-wean my child (Spencer, then 1½ years old), I just knew better. Spencer wasn't ready. He's still not ready. I know its not the solution to Spencer's sleep troubles. We're going on 6 months trying to find the right solution for Spencer and have seen several different specialists along the way. I've had to stick to my guns on this. No one else will choose when we wean (from any part of our nursing schedule).

We still like our Pediatrician.

I have talked to so many moms that have had to stick to their guns, stand up for their children (or didn't and regretted it). You are your child's advocate!

• My teenage daughter has pretty strong Dental Anxiety. While in the chair (with me holding her hand the entire time - I will not leave her side), she told the Dental Assistant that something hurt. The DA argued that it didn't "hurt," it just felt unfamiliar and strange. We switched dentists. It is hard to find a dentist that listens to the patient, no matter their age. If a child says it hurts, then that is their reality; it hurts! Dismissing their feelings helps nothing.
• Erica's daughter, Bella, had a rare disease. I don't think anyone researches with as much passion as a parent. She was definitely the expert. Erica chose not to give her daughter an enteral formula but to make a blenderized diet for her tube feedings. The medical personnel did not agree with her decision, but it was definitely the best thing for Bella.
• At 3-4 months old, Kymberlee's son, Andrew, was nursing a lot, but was not gaining weight. He was barely within the normal range on the growth charts. The Pediatrician told her to quit nursing him and put him on formula. Somehow, her Momma Instinct told her that wasn't necessary. She knew breastmilk was the best thing for her son. She did buy formula to have "just in case." She could look at her son and see he had perfect color in his skin, his eyes were bright and he was happy. He was having plenty of wet and dirty diapers. There was nothing to cause any doubts about his health, other than the growth chart.
  
  Kymberlee began Baby Lead Weaning Andrew at 6 months, as planned. He still didn't gain weight well, but she could still see that he was happy and healthy. Long story short, she continued to nurse her son until he was 31 months old. He is at the top of the growth charts now and has always been healthy. Kymberlee is glad she trusted her instincts and kept nursing.
• Kelly (of Becoming Crunchy) was advised that her child likely had autism and that she should spend $1,000 on screening, as if this expense was no big deal. Kellie really didn't feel that her daughter's issue was autism. Despite her husband's support of the screening, Kelly took her daughter for a second opinion. The second Pediatrician not only agreed with Kelly (that the problem was not likely autism), but also gave her a referral to a Developmental Pediatrician (which would not cost them $1,000)!

A medical degree does not make a person a god. Just because a person has a degree, doesn't mean that they should be trusted outright. Trust your gut, trust what you know of your child. No one knows your children as well as you know your children. Your children do not mean as much to anyone else as they do to you. It can be hard to stand up to someone, especially someone with more education than you. But you are your child's advocate!

When have you had to stand up to medical personnel?

Midwives for the Win

I did not get to have my births attended by midwives, but came close a couple of times. Today I bring you a guest post about using midwives (for more than just births!). Please scroll to the bottom for a bio on today's author, Meegs.

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My dad hanging the "It's a Girl" sign.

My experience with midwives started at birth, when my Mama was one of the first women to give birth at the almost complete birth center in eastern Pennsylvania. I don't remember that experience, of course, but the midwife who delivered me and I are permanently connected as I carry her name in mine.

Seven years later and I was present at the same, now thriving, midwifery center for the birth of my younger brother. That experience I do remember, and it was that day which made it clear in my mind that a midwife was the only way I would go with my own childbirth experience. Even at seven years old I was able to see the care, compassion, and dedication these women have for mothers, babies, pregnancy, and birth.

My mom and I, soon after my brother was born.

As I got older I was able to experience firsthand some of the differences in care between standard practice OB/GYNs and midwife care. Nine years ago I made the permanent switch to a midwifery center for all of my gynecological care, and I won't ever go back. With a midwife, I know that they have built in the time for me to ask all the questions I want, without feeling rushed. And I get to do so at the beginning of my appointment, before they even ask me to take my clothes off. They take the time to get to know each patient on a personal level, and because of that are able to better understand you and your symptoms.

At my last OBGYN, the one that made my switch permanent, I often felt judged. Heaven forbid I wanted to ask a question about sex, self-pleasure, or anything out of the ordinary down below; I felt awkward, and there were many times I chickened out. Even with the wonderful, kind OBGYN I had growing up, there was always a feeling of them needing to go a little faster, move to the next patient.

My first snuggle with my baby girl.

With midwives, I've never felt rushed, and there was never a question I was too uncomfortable to ask. Their patience and willingness to talk things out led me to find the birth control that worked for me and with my body. Best of all, it led me to an amazing, homey, loving birth experience.

Pregnancy is not a handicap, and delivery is not something to be forced through as quickly as possible. With the right personalized guidance, both experiences can be hugely empowering. With midwives I am never just a number. My daughter is not just another baby. From the moment we joined them, we were valued, and in the case of my daughter, loved. As individuals.

I am so grateful for these wonderful women, with their understanding and appreciation of the power of a loving pregnancy and birth experience.

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Meegs is a lover of the outdoors, a budding yogi, and a tattoo enthusiast trying to live her most authentic life. She is also a gentle Mama to the most amazing girl.

You can find her online at her personal blog, A New Day (also on facebook), as a contributor to Connected Mom, and posting reader questions on the Natural Parents Network's Facebook page.

Explore Your Parenting Through Poetry

Another guest blogger today, this time from the woman that inspired me to start my blog! Scroll to the bottom for a short bio on Lauren Wayne. Any eBundle links are affiliate codes of my own.

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What I love about poetry is how it allows us to view our lives through a different prism: one that breaks apart the pieces of our experience into rainbow colors and then focuses them with clarity that can be blinding in its insight.

When I became a parent, it was natural — even necessary — to explore my new adventures (and misadventures) through the lens of poetry.

Did we dream you into existence, 
or was it more mundane?

When you open yourself up to writing poetry, you open yourself to reexamining and memorializing what was meaningful to you, even the hard moments.

Feeling you leave in a gush of pain and red, 
in the blackest and loneliest part of the night …

Why were we led all that way, and never to see your face?

Poetry gives a voice to the sublime stories you want to retell and re-envision.

You slipped out to our surprise, …
a flashing red-purple,
wriggling in the water, and finally hauled in,
turning it around
and catching us in your net

And it elevates the everyday into song.

You sleep beside us 
for the waking together 
sun bright 
you point out 
and smile.

I've been writing poetry for years — handmade diaries from junior high glittering with stanzas in pink and green ink, earnest fountain-pen scrawls on random pieces of notepaper from college. But nothing has inspired me more than parenting — this wild, enlightening, exhausting, wonderful journey.

What can I learn in two years together 
(almost three)? 
What have you changed in me 
except everything?

Even if you don't consider yourself A Poet, even if you've never written (or read!) a poem in your life, I encourage you — I urge you — to pick up a pen or sit at a keyboard and give it a try. Consider an image, or a moment, and take a walk into your imagination. Describe it, feel it, relive it, and find the meaning for yourself that you can now share with others. As parents, all our writing opportunities are limited and hurried, but a poem is short — and therefore a possibility for an unexpected interlude.

One-handed now, lap filled, 
breast claimed, you furtively search 
for the letters, the keys, 
the strain to capture your thoughts in the dark.

If you'd like some direction, I have a whole month's worth of parenting-poetry prompts from my recent Weekly Parenting Poetry Workshop here. The workshop is over for now, but you can free verse it (so to speak). The writers who came alongside for the workshop didn't consider themselves poets — but look what they created.

Who knew a heart could stretch farther
than even the body around it
that housed you each in succession?

Who knew love could flow out and envelop
so big a group — bigger —
and never grow anything but thicker,
like the blood joining us all together?

Flex your pen, find your voice, and explore your parenting through poetry.


You can purchase Lauren Wayne's Poetry of a Hobo Mama: The First Three Years at Amazon in hard copy or as an e-book. And for a limited time, Poetry of a Hobo Mama is available as part of the Mindful Parenting eBundle, 20+ gentle parenting resources for one incredible price of $24.95. Buy your copy today, because the bundle with Lauren's book and many others will be available only until June 10.


Lauren Wayne lives and writes in the Pacific Northwestern USA, with her husband, Sam, and their two sweet boys: six-year-old Mikko and two-year-old Alrik. She has been writing and publishing poetry for twenty years, but parenting has added even more inspiration. Lauren blogs at Hobo Mama about natural and attachment parenting, and gives a behind-the-scenes look at writing at LaurenWayne.com. She co-hosts the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting and is a cofounder of Natural Parents Network, a site that brings together attachment parents interested in a natural lifestyle.

 
Photo credits: Author

Overcoming Postpartum Depression

I have another guest post for you today. This time it is from an online friend and fellow blogger, Laura Schuerwegen. Scroll to the bottom for a short bio.

I know many women that have suffered from Postpartum Depression. I, myself, suffered it with my second child. It nearly destroyed my marriage as I was so unhappy and was placing any and all extra blame on my then-husband. This was one reason I opted to encapsulate my placenta with my last birth, to help prevent any depression.

Laura is one of the authors featured in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale. Here is her story on overcoming postpartum depression. All eBundle links in this post are my affiliate links.

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When I got pregnant with my son, our second child, I experienced a constant emotional storm. From being down to depressed to overwhelmed. I know pregnancy should be seen as a last-minute catalyst to clear any issue you still have before the baby arrived, but I couldn't manage to get out of the negative spiral.

The birth of my son did not go as planned and he & I ended up in the hospital, which further depleted my mood. The experience left me unable to bond with him and shook up our entire family. Another move was the final drop and I found myself being constantly overwhelmed and incapable of dealing with the daily parenting issues.

I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew something had to change. I was not the parent I wanted for my children, not the kind of wife I wanted to be and, frankly, not the person I am supposed to be.

A friend online told me she thought I had a post natal depression and all the pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

This was something I could cure!

As an aspiring naturopath, I dug into my herbal and nutrition resources, I searched the internet high and low for help and I was able to cure this depression in just about two months.

I tentatively started writing about my depression on my blog and was amazed at the responses. I was shocked to see how many other parents were suffering the same pains and despair.

I wrote Mommy Overwhelm to offer a stepping stone for all parents who find themselves in this situation and are desperate to find a way to get out. The book will give you lots of resources to cure your depression and fight your stress. With a big variety of options, you are sure to find an approach that works for you.

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Belgian born author and aspiring naturopath Laura Schuerwegen healed from a longstanding depression after the birth of her second child. She is an avid supporter of children’s rights and natural parenting practices and writes about these topics at Authentic Parenting.

For the past seven years, she has been living with her ever growing family in Sub-Saharan Africa. Connect with Laura on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter.

Mommy Overwhelm is a step-stone guide for parents who want to overcome daily overwhelm, stress and depression. In this book, Laura draws from her own experience overcoming a longstanding depression to hand you the tools to heal. From strengthening foods and herbs to exercises and activities, this guide will kick-start your journey to happier, balanced parenting.

The Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale is the first opportunity to get your eyes on this new eBook! The eBook is 27 pages and valued at $2.99 by itself. The eBundle includes Mommy Overwhelm plus 21 other parenting resources!

Sleep Talking: A Unique Parenting Tool

This is a guest post from one of the authors involved in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale. Please welcome Marcy Axness, PhD. Scroll to the bottom for a short bio. The eBundle links below are my affiliate links, but I wouldn't share this information with you if I didn't support the products myself and think you would be interested, too. As I dig through the contents of this eBundle, I am amazed by the authors and variety of topics I find! I've always been fascinated by the idea of "Sleep Talking" as a parenting tool.

In my years of coaching and counseling parents-in-progress, a unique and little-known tool has proved incredibly useful: sleep talking. It is yet another way in which to practice Parenting for Peace’s #1 Principle – Presence. Speaking to your child while he or she is sleeping is a way to be present to your child in a powerful way, and to speak directly to the unconscious, bypassing whatever protective deflection your waking child might have toward the words of acknowledgement and healing you want to share.

Philipino pediatrician Rhodora Diaz was inspired to develop this as a “last resort” for two young rebellious, hostile young patients who had one thing in common: they had both been unwanted conceptions, and both mothers had resented their pregnancies.

When she got reports some months later from both of these mothers that their children’s attitudes behaviors had dramatically improved after sleep talking to them, Dr. Diaz began suggesting the technique for helping other children with puzzling or persistent problems. Over time, she refined a 4-part “Sleep Talking Script” as a guide:

1. Statement of love
   
2. Statement of the problem
   
3. Interpretation / proposal for a solution
   
4. Statement of love & commitment (closing statement)

Dr. Diaz suggests limiting the Sleep Talk session to five or ten minutes. She has found that the best time for a session seems to be in the early morning, before the child wakes up (which is a deep sleep).

I work with clients to help zero in on what they might “sleep talk” about with their child. I have found with many parents in my practice that previously unrecognized traumas during infancy, birth, pregnancy and even conception often prove to be avenues for discovering clues to troubling “inexplicable” behavior or developmental issues. These often serve as key points to be addressed through sleep talking. So that is Step One – thoughtfully and intuitively zeroing in on these kinds of events or experiences that may have planted the seed for these later issues.

Step Two is to prepare at least an outline of the main points you will touch upon in each of Dr. Diaz’ four parts of sleep talking. Here is just one “script” example from a parent in my practice. (Note Dr. Diaz’ four elements – which are Steps Four through Seven of my adapted protocol):

James, you are our precious boy and we love you so much… and we’re so proud and happy to be your parents… and that you came to be our son.

We notice that you’re sometimes very dreamy and you’re not quite present with us... like you’re up flying in the clouds. Sometimes what happens is that we get impatient or frustrated trying to reach you... and then that creates a separation between us. We would like to bring you back to earth, and help you really be here, and feel comfortable with us here.

When you first came to us, we hadn’t expected you, and so we were surprised. We were really happy you were coming, but we realized we had to make a lot of changes to get ready for you... and so there was some chaos and crazy times and some really hard work we had to do. So we’re thinking that might have made you feel unsure about whether or not you really belonged here with us. Maybe you got the idea that if you really came to us it would cause too much trouble.

We want you to know that we’re so happy you’re here, and all the changes we made in preparing the way for you were wonderful changes. You’ve enriched our lives so much, and we love you and want you to be fully here with us, all the way, with your entire being. We look forward to all our happy years with you, all of us growing together.

So what is the missing Step Three? Sitting with the material you plan to discuss with your child long enough to process out any “emotional overload.” As I learned from the brilliant psychiatrist Myriam who works with babies in a Parisian neonatal intensive care unit – effecting miraculous healings by simply speaking their (usually difficult) prenatal or birth stories to them – it is more effective when we can speak with words that are straightforward and unclouded by too much sentiment or emotionality.

To read more about this gentle, compassionate and useful technique, visit Dr. Diaz’ site: WhileChildrenSleep.

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A member of Mothering magazine’s online expert panel, and a popular international speaker, Marcy Axness, PhD, is a professor of prenatal development, and she also has a private practice coaching parents-in-progress. She provides training for childcare, adoption, education, and mental health professionals about the latest findings in the science of human thriving, and is the author of a new book that distills that research: Parenting for Peace: Raising the Next Generation of Peacemakers. She invites you to join her at MarcyAxness.com.

Marcy's Sleep Talking is just 1 of the 22 eProducts included in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale! The eBundle is valued at over $274 USD, costing you approximately $1.13 per product! Sale ends June 10^th!

Included topics cover peaceful guidance, creativity and play, stress relief for parents, mindful motherhood, divorce, coming of age, children and food!

Transformative Parenting

Today I'm bringing you a guest post from a genius friend of mine all about a new kind of parenting course. Please welcome Paige! Scroll to the bottom for a short bio. The links below are my affiliate links, but I wouldn't share this information with you if I didn't support the program myself.

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I don’t remember the exact moment I realized that gentle parenting was for me. The idea that “children are our future” touted in public didn’t seem to be practiced in reality.

In reality, putting children on the “naughty step” and letting them cry out for comfort without any emotional response from their parent seemed to be the best advice for living with children.

I just knew that felt wrong to me. Finding a community of other parents that believed the radical idea that children are people was so comforting. Here were other parents who were letting go of power and control and parenting from a place of love.

I’ve been very blessed to be part of this movement through Parenting Gently and the annual Carnival of Gentle Discipline. Getting the word out that there is another way to parent and that it works has been very rewarding.

I’ve also been humbled by the parents who come to me for advice on how to handle situations with their children in a gentle manner. I know how much these parents love their kids so to be trusted with helping them is really an honor.

Do you remember the first time you tried a gentle discipline technique and it worked? Did you have that aha moment?

Gentle parenting is kind of like a drug. That first hit is like “wow! I had no idea parenting could be this fun!” and then you’re hooked.

But, do you sometimes feel like you are still speaking a foreign language? That your initial reaction is always punitive and you have to translate or shift gears into “gentle” mode to react like you want?

Maybe in moments of stress you revert back to your old parenting paradigm and later you feel upset about they way you handled a situation?

Plus you might be getting naysayers from all sides telling you “you’re doing it wrong!”

Wouldn’t it be nice to have the gentle response be the first response that pops into your mind? So that without even thinking about it you can handle any issue in a peaceful manner? So that regardless of the opinion of others you feel confident in your choices?

The thing I realized about gentle parenting is that it isn’t just about gentle alternatives to punishment like spanking and time out.

Instead, it is a fundamental shift in how you relate to your kids. A fundamental shift in how you relate to everyone.

And a shift like that doesn’t come from constantly having to translate every situation into a gentle alternative. Sometimes, that can be even more stressful!

When you can find your own authentic voice and drive your parenting from the inside out, suddenly you’re not struggling to translate each situation into a gentle framework.

You find yourself connecting with your kids more and connecting with yourself more. You smile more and feel stressed out less.

Parenting is fun. Life is fun.

It is just pure awesomeness! I want everyone to experience this personal transformation!

What if I could help you look inside and find your own authentic parenting voice and use that to make your parenting choices?

I mean most of us aren’t parenting from deep inside of us. We are parenting on the fly as situations arise. Struggling with subconscious assumptions built on our own upbringing, our own personality and fears, and the silent societal messages about what parenting should be.

You can use alternatives to time out, spanking, or other punishment everyday and never find that comfortable, joyful parenting groove.

That groove that comes from parenting that is rooted in your own values and goals. After all the best parenting is your own authentic parenting.

This is why I’m so excited to be partnering with Everyday Feminism to offer the first ever Transformative Parenting: Finding Your Authentic Parenting Voice online course.

Everyday Feminism is all about transforming your life through feminism and that fits just perfectly with this idea that through self-transformation we can become the best parents we can be.

This online course won’t be hitting you on the head with feminist theory or with gentle parenting doctrine. You don’t need more external lists of do’s and don'ts.

Instead I will walk you through a process of self-exploration that will help you align your parenting choices with your deepest core values.

We’ll look at:

• The cultural messages we receive and internalize about parenthood
  
• How our upbringing and personality shape our parenting
  
• How to break out of the cycle of parenting from a place of fear
  
• Finding your own core values and goals for your children and translate them into daily action
  
• How to communicate with compassion even in times of conflict
  
• How to work with your feelings and needs and help your children do the same
  
• And more!

All in a supportive community of fellow parents who want to break the old habits of parenting we see in our society and forge new, connected bonds with our kids.

I know that parenting is a busy task. I’ll use several different methods of delivery so you can find what works best for you. Each lesson should only take 1-2 hours a week and not all at once!

So you can break it up to fit your schedule.

I hope you’ll join me! You won’t regret the time spent on your own self-improvement and you will notice a profound change in your daily life with your kids.

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Paige Lucas-Stannard blogs about infertility, parenting, and women’s issues at Baby Dust Diaries as well as being the founder of the gentle discipline site Parenting Gently and co-founder of the breastfeeding rights site Nursing Freedom. She likes to cook and sew and has, in general, become her mother. Happily. Follow her on Twitter @babydust.

Naked Yoga: Gaining Body Acceptance

Today I'm sharing a guest post from a friend on Naked Yoga. (Please scroll to the bottom for a bio.) I hadn't really heard of it before as a "thing," but totally support anything that can improve women's self image!

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Here's a shocker: I don't have a perfect body. Crazy, right? Who'd have thought that at age 34, after birthing 4 kids, my body might not be fit for a fashion runway or swimsuit modeling?

Watching my body age and stretch, sag and dimple has been disheartening. In my twenties I enjoyed a certain “status” as a genuinely skinny person. Even though I had some stretch marks from my pregnancies and a wee bit of cellulite, I could run around in a bikini in front of others and be perfectly comfortable with my status as a hottie.

When I reached my 30's I also gave up smoking and a funny thing happens when you start eating your breakfast instead of lighting it up: you put on weight. Another shocker. I have been in a yo-yo pattern ever since, and the padding and shrinking is only increasing the sag in my belly and the cottage cheese on my backside.

It has been an emotional struggle getting used to my new size. I like my hips, the fact that I finally have a trunk to have junk in, my large boobies. But seeing thin women held up in the media as the physical elite, I still feel a pang of nostalgia and an unshakable notion that I'm supposed to be one of them.

Worse, is looking at myself in front of a mirror. It's not only society's impression on my psyche telling me that I've no longer “got it,” it's what I see. It's what I feel when I glimpse myself stepping out of the shower, affected by my own ideas of what I find aesthetically pleasing.

The spidery parallel lines arching from the top of my thighs downward; the fact that my now gigantic nipples point towards my toes; the darkened veins of my breasts. My belly droops like a flesh colored fanny pack and while I'm happy to finally have a tush it has already begun it's determined decent towards the middle of my thighs. I am not that old, but motherhood and weight fluctuation have done things to my body that age alone would take decades longer to accomplish.

Redefining parameters of beauty has been a goal of mine for some time. I strive to look past the definition that the media hands us, into the withered faces of the very old and see the miracle of age. I celebrate the differences in skin tone, from alabaster to ebony; admire textures of all hair; appreciate the gentle curves of a large set of hips, as well as the form of the very thin. I created a board on Pinterest dubbed “Best Beauty,” in which I compile images of both men and women who I find have an intriguing form of beauty. But redirecting that acceptance towards myself has been hard.

Photo Credit: Jason Jones

When I first saw images of naked yoga, I was fascinated. Of course, this model is gorgeous but that's not the point. I imagined it would be a liberating experience and so I tried it. One day after my morning run in the privacy of my own bedroom, I stripped off my clothes to prepare for a quick shower. My bones were stiff that day, and I felt like a quick yoga session. Yoga is something I turn to when I ache as I find it alleviates my joint pain. Not wanting to put on clean clothes when I was hot and sweaty and minutes away from a refreshing cool shower, I did some yoga poses in the buff.

The feeling was as free as I suspected, and much more intimate than I had imagined. In yoga, you bend and contort and parts of you meet other parts of you that don't generally align. Imagine this when you're nude and becoming familiar with bits of yourself to which you may not have been properly introduced!

I began practicing naked yoga every day thereafter and looked forward to it while out on my runs. I realized I was being more attentive to myself as I became increasingly aware of my physical nature. I also began feeling more comfortable with myself as a naked individual the more I became familiar with my form.

One day I was feeling a little brave. I had been avoiding the mirror in the corner of the bedroom. I didn't need to see myself so compromised while fully exposed. But I was curious. I was filled with apprehension, but compelled nonetheless – and determined to find something in that mirror to feel good about. I slowly walked to the mirror and struck a pose. The dancer pose, it was. And I wasn't revolted.

Finally! An excuse to use this gorgeous image!
Photo Credit: Daughter of the Sun

I was surprised by my reaction, to tell the truth. My body was still my body. It hadn't mysteriously appeared smoother or slimmer or perkier. It was just me. Naturally, perfectly me. Me with rolls and rumples, puckers and droops. I stared at my form in curiosity and wonder. I assumed the inverted triangle and marveled at the way my breasts slid to one side and the new shape they took on. I smiled inwardly at the fact that my belly followed suit. I entered the Warrior III pose and was pleasantly surprised to see some muscle definition peeking through the fat.

The more postures I assumed, the more I noted my muscles beneath the skin and the padding, working and performing. I began to feel a sense of pride that had been missing for some time. I felt a surge of gratitude suddenly for what my bones, my guts, my skin and my flesh could do. It was raw, ethereal and deeply spiritual. It was also oddly scientific as I observed myself with casual reverence, with wonder and a renewed appreciation.

This was my body. It didn't suddenly become beautiful, it didn't change at all. I also didn't redefine my idea of beauty in terms of myself in that moment. The difference was that in doing yoga, I wasn't subconsciously assuming positions to try and see myself in a more flattering angle. I wasn't looking at it in comparison to any presumed standard. I wasn't looking at it in shame or remorse, either.

Assuming yoga positions, in the nude, in front of a mirror allowed me to see my body from a different perspective than I ever had before, and one where I had no traditional model of comparison. It was a very honest and unabashed look at myself and probably the first time I had ever done so objectively. With the purpose of discovery and learning more about myself physically, there was no room for criticism. What was previously “gross” and “embarrassing” was now simply interesting and even amusing. I felt more natural in my own skin than I have in a very long time. As I continue to familiarize myself with... myself, I find I am growing more comfortable and even a bit impressed.

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Destany is an artist who works from home while raising her four kids, who range in age from teens to littles. A self proclaimed cheapskate and “maker-queen,” her do-it-yourself attitude compels her to promote self-education, frugality, and taking responsibility for our global community. She is attentive to her children and works to foster and maintain a deep connection with each one, while finding harmony within herself and remembering to take time for her husband. When she is not painting, cooking, gardening, knitting or playing with her kids – even the big ones, she is blogging about her life at They Are All of Me, where she shares crafts, recipes, and crazy mama mishaps that are bound to crop up when living with pets, teenagers and little ones.

Mommy Dearest or Darling Daddy?

This post was originally published at Lets Take the Metro as a part of the August Taboo Carnival. Our topic last summer was PLAYING FAVORITES! Participants reflected on favoritism in relationships with children, parents, siblings, and more. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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My parents divorced before I can remember. Knowing the two of them, I do not know how they ever managed to last as long as they did! All growing up, I had to listen to the two of them bad mouth each other constantly.

On the way to my dad's (in his truck), I'd stare out the window as he went on and on about how she was taking all his money. I've heard stories about her spending all his money when they were married, too. How she was book smart, but had no street smarts. He always referred to her with foul language, too, of course.

As soon as I'd get home, I'd hear it from my mother. I heard tales of how my father fired a gun aimed all around my mother's head when there was a window behind her and my brother was outside. Her stories all sounded really crazy, but my father owns up to all of them!

When they got divorced, my brother was asked where he wanted to live. The story goes like this: My father promised him it would just be the two of them and would be so much fun. Soon after, they were living together with my soon-to-be stepmother (and my mother's former best friend) and her 3 kids. Not the dream picture offered.

My mother had to fight for custody of him for several years. When he finally came to live with us, they fought a lot. He would only wear name brand jeans and shirts.

I lived with my mother until I was 14/15 years old. We got into a big fight and she basically kicked me out. And then she had me arrested as a runaway. She told the detective that I was suicidal, which prompted him to walk my papers through the system. I was arrested within 24 hours. However, in order to report it in the first place, she had to sign a form stating that she could not control me. My dad knew she had no way to win. He picked me up the next day and I went to live with him.

My parents, together, in 1967

All this to say, neither of my parents were saints. I didn't get much approval from my dad, though. If I got an A, he'd ask why it wasn't an A+. Short version: his lack of time, affection, and approval resulted in my desire for approval from men... men that looked, basically, like him.

Once I became an adult, I gave it some thought and figured: I'd be sad when my mother passed. I would be crushed when my father passed. I spent some time obsessing about cherishing every moment with my dad. Thankfully I got past that because it is not a healthy state!

My mom passed away last year. I was sad. I miss her. Often. But I wonder if I called it. I don't know if I'll be as crushed as I predicted when my dad goes. I've known him longer now. He has done a lot for me, but... well, he is a personality. You would just have to meet him. People either love him or hate him - no middle ground.

Overall, I think my father has been my favorite parent. I think it would hurt my mother to know that. If the tables were turned, I doubt my father would be hurt, but he'd sure complain about what an idiot I was. Why was he the favorite? My mother and I were very close for short bursts of my life, namely while I was pregnant with Ronni and Sasha. She was incredibly supportive.

Are your parents still together? I wonder if that has any bearing on how strongly a favorite is... favored. Do you prefer one parent over the other?

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Visit Momma Jorje and Hybrid Rasta Mama to find out how you can participate in the Taboo Carnival (this month)! Enjoy the posts from the other August 2012 Carnival participants!

• Playing Favourites — Lyndsay at ourfeminist{play}school looks at how her intense parenting style has created what 'looks' like favourites but is more causal than reality.
  
  
• Taking Longer to Fall in Love with My Second Baby — Dionna at Code Name: Mama fell helplessly, powerlessly in love with her first-born. Love with her second-born has not been as easy, but does that mean #1 is her favorite?
  
  
• Yes, Parents Have A Favorite Child — Jennifer at Hybrid Rasta Mama shares her thoughts on parents having a favorite child and how this may have long term effects on both the favored and unfavored child.
  
  
• Money and Equality: Should All Your Kids Get the Same? — At Authentic Parenting, Laura investigates whether or not we should provide exactly the same for our children financially.
  
  
• More Than the Kid Sister — Amy of Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work always felt that she lived in the shadow of her older brother's accomplishments, until her parents made her aware that her personality and passion have always brought them joy and pride.
  

• What makes a favorite? — Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders what caused her grandparents and parents to choose favorites. She also considers possible causes for her own favoritism.
  
  
• There Are No Favorites (I Hate You All The Same) — Amy at Anktangle guest hosts about it being easy to see how a cycle of conditional love can make a mother keep her children at arms reach.
  
  
• Mommy Dearest or Darling Daddy? — Amanda at Let's Take the Metro guests hosts about every parent having faults. Jorje of Momma Jorje ponders why she would prefer one parent over the other and whether this applies to every situation or can it vary?
  
  
• On having two kids & not playing fair — Lauren at Hobo Mama learned from her mother that you don't raise children based on what's fair but on what's right for each child.
  
  
• My Kids Totally Play Favourites — Amber at Strocel.com tries hard not to play favourites with her kids - but they make no secret of which parent they prefer.
  

Tips for Parenting a Child With Special Medical Needs

This post was originally published as a guest post for the Natural Parenting Carnival on Becoming Crunchy last March. Now that I have nearly a year under my belt, I can tell you that these pointers still stand.

We were very lucky in that we got advanced notice that we would be having a child with special needs. We received Spencer's Down syndrome diagnosis about mid-pregnancy. I kind of saw this as having a new hobby thrust upon me.

Spencer's first therapy started with something
as simple as putting a toy in his hands.

I don't mean to make light of the situation, trust me. However, I now had a new passion to research. Isn't that what you do with a new hobby? Then I came up with a plan to manage his care. I put together a notebook with tabs for all the different types of problems he might have, so we could avoid overlooking anything. I added paper to each section and jotted down which tests he needed to have and when.

I'd been told that babies with Down syndrome don't really require much special assistance for the first 6 months. That isn't entirely true. Aside from low muscle tone (which is very common, but Spencer does not have), babies with Down syndrome tend to have small mouths. The reason this is a problem is that their tongues are not so small. They tend to thrust them forward and out. So far, Spencer doesn't do this too much, but he did need to work with a Speech Therapist when we were in the hospital. What? Speech? Yes, because they work with the mouth, not just speaking. It is hard to eat if you continuously push the food out of your mouth, ya know?

Spencer had his hearing tested in the hospital and again shortly after leaving. He'll be tested again at 6 months old and then annually throughout childhood.

Spencer has required several extra medical appointments by comparison to "typical" children. (At 2 months old, he has already seen a pediatrician several times, a cardiologist, an audiologist, and has had 2 x-rays done, soon to be another. He also has blood-work to be drawn soon.) I had originally thought I'd purchase a Day Timer or other such calendar book, though I really love my Google Calendar. As a minimalist and being broke, I put off the purchase and never did get to it. Instead, I now print a month or two ahead (from my Google calendar!) and keep it in his notebook. This makes it easier to book follow-up appointments while I'm on site without the risk of double booking. You do, however, have to make sure to keep all calendars synced. I have to come home and immediately add appointments to my online calendar.

My quick tips, from my minimal experience parenting a child with special medical needs:

• Sync your calendars!
  
• Organize your specialists.
  
• Find a pediatrician that is a "Medical Home¹."
  
• Keep copies of diagnoses and treatments for your own records.
  
• Try to group your appointments in a way that works for you. We have NO appointments next week, it will be a nice break.
  
• When you get overwhelmed, talk to someone! Get help if you need it.
  

Do you have some tips I'm overlooking? I truly am very new to this special needs job.

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1 Medical Home is a style of management over chronic medical and behavioral conditions with compassionate care coordination. (Our doctor keeps close contact with all of the specialists we see and brings all their information together.)^↩

Routine Battles

This post was originally published on Anktangle as part of the April 2012 Carnival of Natural Parenting. I'm needing to write a follow-up, so wanted to publish this here:

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It wasn't until our recent move that I finally got a good, steady routine going with Sasha. We now brush teeth and hair as well as go potty before bed. The potty part was the hardest for me to remember! I just GO when I have to go.

I had night weaned her only recently, so she was no longer waking to nurse. She would wake to pee, though, or even wet the bed if I didn't make sure she went before going to sleep.

Not long after the move, I started limiting bed time nursing to only 10 minutes. This occasionally made for battles, too, as she is learning to fall asleep without a nipple in her mouth.

And that is the short story background to get to this: sometimes we have tooth-brushing battles. She loves to "brush" her own teeth, but would fight letting me brush them. I am sad to say that I have argued and yelled at her. The only thing that seemed to work was threatening to not let her nurse before bed. I even tucked her into bed a few times before getting her to let me brush her teeth! I felt awful about it, though. That is not the parent I want to be.

While chatting with some other Natural Parents Network volunteers online, one of these friends suggested a bedtime routine list. I took her brilliant idea and ran with it! I wanted to make the routine fun.

I started out by printing some images, but I'll get back to those. The fun crafty part started by making 3 checkmarks using 4 x 6 notecards. I colored them each a different color and set them aside.

I made a square template using notecards and traced them to make "blanks" on trimmed-down posterboard. I used regular white glue spread thin on the backs of my images to glue them next to the blanks.

Note that I looked for images to specifically assist in our struggles. The hair and teeth pictures are of a woman brushing the child's hair and teeth. I think it might be fun to use actual photographs from your own bedtime routine.

I stuck self-adhesive Velcro® to the back of each checkmark. If I were to improve on this project, I would have taken the Velcro® size into account and made the checkmarks fit better.

I lined up the checkmarks where I wanted them and set the other side of the adhesive Velcro® in place with them. Then I mounted (taped) the checklist on the bathroom door at Sasha's level.

I also mounted a pocket for the checkmarks. I used notecards again, but made the top piece slightly larger than the back piece to allow extra room for my checkmarks. This pocket is mounted out of reach.

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That first night, she was so excited! Sasha was more than happy to do her bedtime routine and check each item off the list. I let her choose what order in which to do these things.

The next morning, she wanted to do the checklist again! That was great, as these same steps were great for a morning routine for us. (Our list only has brush teeth, brush hair, and go potty.) Later in the day she wanted to do the checklist every time she went potty! She at least wanted to place that checkmark every time.

The second day she was back to battling our bedtime routine. I am hopeful that the list will still be fun, but I think timing bedtime better might also help in our case.

How do you manage the bedtime routine in your house?