Autonomy of a Tickle

The topic of tickling has come up among friends recently and I'd like to get back into the swing of writing, so...

This piece was originally published as a guest post on Tales of the Kitchen Witch in December 2012.

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When I was a preteen, I remember my brother tickling me to the point of crying. I'd be yelling for him to stop, begging him to stop. He would point out that I was laughing, so I must be enjoying it. I do not ever want my children (or anyone, for that matter) to be put in that position.

Babies can't even tell you they don't want to be tickled. But they are so much fun to tickle! There has to be a way to respect our babies' autonomy and still (possibly) enjoy a good tickle, right? There is! I have some suggestions for you.

The most important trick to any tickle game with a baby is anticipation. If you can give them a chance to anticipate (and to learn when to anticipate) the tickle, you give them the opportunity to object.

With Sasha, I would make tickle hands and chant "Gonna, gonna, gonna" (think Jaws music) as I got closer, then "Get you!" as I tickled her.

Sasha would also run away and back to me for more tickles.
Also? OMG Look at that chub!! I do love to fatten up my babies!

Here comes the next important tip: Short bursts of tickling. I would never tickle a child to breathlessness. It can be fun for both the tickler and the child, sure, but I want to make sure children are capable of communicating "stop" to me when they feel it necessary. It can be difficult and awkward to enforce this with other people tickling your child (even older siblings), but I really feel it is an important lesson. If any child says "stop" - that should be heard and respected. I think of this helping to prepare them for other sticky situations later in life.

Back to fun tickling! With Spencer, I hold up my thumbs and index fingers like pincers. I tap thumb and forefinger while making a "tick" sound. I do that a few times before diving my fingers to him and saying "tickle, tickle, tickle!" as I tickle him. Three "tickles" is probably long enough for one burst in the beginning. As he has gotten older (he is a ripe, old 10 months old now, after all!), he reacts to the preparation. When I hold my fingers up and make the sound, he often giggles preemptively! This lets me know that he enjoys the game!

Love to nibble your babies? Oh, I do! I love to nibble around their little, fat, ticklish necks! Find a way to help your babies anticipate the nibble. I open my mouth wide and snap it shut while making an "Om!" noise. I do this a few times before I "Nom, nom, nom!" on them. (This munching is also awesome on ribs, especially on babies that are upside down!) This is one that will surely elicit preemptive giggles if it is a game your child enjoys.

I'm sure you're familiar with This Little Piggy and Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Both of these nursery rhymes are great build-up to tickle play. They offer other learning benefits, too.

How did you feel about being tickled as a child? How do you feel about it now? Do you play tickle games with your children?

What is SLP... for us?

Welcome to Down Syndrome Awareness Month 2013! Today I thought I'd share our Speech Therapy experience with you.

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When we go to therapy, Jordan (with my help) works on sounds and signs with toys and stuff. When we have in-home therapy, Marcus works on more basic skills needed before the language pathways can spark. We started with Contingent Imitation. (He mimics Spencer in whatever he says / does.) This lets Spencer know we're listening - that what he does (and communicates) matters.

We also worked on Waiting/Expecting a Response. This was hard on Spencer and I both. See... he can kind of fuss and I tend to him, I figure out what he wants. (That's what we do, right?) But we waited. Spencer started hiding his face with a pout. But as we waaaaited... he'd come back up and reach out, which is a form of communication! After that first session with just these 2 strategies, Spencer seemed a little weird. He was hiding his head in my neck, which he almost never did before. I was afraid Marcus had changed my son's personality! It went away, though.

Soon after our second session with Marcus, Spencer started signing "more!" I was able to get him to consistently sign for more _____ (bites, play, etc.). He has even signed a 2-word sentence "more bites!" We're encouraging this with Jordan and expanding upon it with Marcus. I really wish we'd gotten an earlier start, but am thrilled with our recent progress!

Early September Speech Therapy Session

Since writing / videoing this, Spencer has continued to add consistent signs to his repertoire. I am very pleased with his continued progress! Yesterday he came to me signing for bites. He continued to sign bites until his food was ready. Yay for persistent communication!!

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October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month. We're revving up for this year's Buddy Walk. This will be our 3rd year to participate and we're hoping to raise $1,000 for the organization this year. Please support Spencer's Sidewinders with a donation and/or come walk with us!

Please visit my Facebook page for daily tidbits about Down syndrome during Down Syndrome Awareness Month.

Sleep Talking: A Unique Parenting Tool

This is a guest post from one of the authors involved in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale. Please welcome Marcy Axness, PhD. Scroll to the bottom for a short bio. The eBundle links below are my affiliate links, but I wouldn't share this information with you if I didn't support the products myself and think you would be interested, too. As I dig through the contents of this eBundle, I am amazed by the authors and variety of topics I find! I've always been fascinated by the idea of "Sleep Talking" as a parenting tool.

In my years of coaching and counseling parents-in-progress, a unique and little-known tool has proved incredibly useful: sleep talking. It is yet another way in which to practice Parenting for Peace’s #1 Principle – Presence. Speaking to your child while he or she is sleeping is a way to be present to your child in a powerful way, and to speak directly to the unconscious, bypassing whatever protective deflection your waking child might have toward the words of acknowledgement and healing you want to share.

Philipino pediatrician Rhodora Diaz was inspired to develop this as a “last resort” for two young rebellious, hostile young patients who had one thing in common: they had both been unwanted conceptions, and both mothers had resented their pregnancies.

When she got reports some months later from both of these mothers that their children’s attitudes behaviors had dramatically improved after sleep talking to them, Dr. Diaz began suggesting the technique for helping other children with puzzling or persistent problems. Over time, she refined a 4-part “Sleep Talking Script” as a guide:

1. Statement of love
   
2. Statement of the problem
   
3. Interpretation / proposal for a solution
   
4. Statement of love & commitment (closing statement)

Dr. Diaz suggests limiting the Sleep Talk session to five or ten minutes. She has found that the best time for a session seems to be in the early morning, before the child wakes up (which is a deep sleep).

I work with clients to help zero in on what they might “sleep talk” about with their child. I have found with many parents in my practice that previously unrecognized traumas during infancy, birth, pregnancy and even conception often prove to be avenues for discovering clues to troubling “inexplicable” behavior or developmental issues. These often serve as key points to be addressed through sleep talking. So that is Step One – thoughtfully and intuitively zeroing in on these kinds of events or experiences that may have planted the seed for these later issues.

Step Two is to prepare at least an outline of the main points you will touch upon in each of Dr. Diaz’ four parts of sleep talking. Here is just one “script” example from a parent in my practice. (Note Dr. Diaz’ four elements – which are Steps Four through Seven of my adapted protocol):

James, you are our precious boy and we love you so much… and we’re so proud and happy to be your parents… and that you came to be our son.

We notice that you’re sometimes very dreamy and you’re not quite present with us... like you’re up flying in the clouds. Sometimes what happens is that we get impatient or frustrated trying to reach you... and then that creates a separation between us. We would like to bring you back to earth, and help you really be here, and feel comfortable with us here.

When you first came to us, we hadn’t expected you, and so we were surprised. We were really happy you were coming, but we realized we had to make a lot of changes to get ready for you... and so there was some chaos and crazy times and some really hard work we had to do. So we’re thinking that might have made you feel unsure about whether or not you really belonged here with us. Maybe you got the idea that if you really came to us it would cause too much trouble.

We want you to know that we’re so happy you’re here, and all the changes we made in preparing the way for you were wonderful changes. You’ve enriched our lives so much, and we love you and want you to be fully here with us, all the way, with your entire being. We look forward to all our happy years with you, all of us growing together.

So what is the missing Step Three? Sitting with the material you plan to discuss with your child long enough to process out any “emotional overload.” As I learned from the brilliant psychiatrist Myriam who works with babies in a Parisian neonatal intensive care unit – effecting miraculous healings by simply speaking their (usually difficult) prenatal or birth stories to them – it is more effective when we can speak with words that are straightforward and unclouded by too much sentiment or emotionality.

To read more about this gentle, compassionate and useful technique, visit Dr. Diaz’ site: WhileChildrenSleep.

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A member of Mothering magazine’s online expert panel, and a popular international speaker, Marcy Axness, PhD, is a professor of prenatal development, and she also has a private practice coaching parents-in-progress. She provides training for childcare, adoption, education, and mental health professionals about the latest findings in the science of human thriving, and is the author of a new book that distills that research: Parenting for Peace: Raising the Next Generation of Peacemakers. She invites you to join her at MarcyAxness.com.

Marcy's Sleep Talking is just 1 of the 22 eProducts included in the Mindful Parenting eBundle Sale! The eBundle is valued at over $274 USD, costing you approximately $1.13 per product! Sale ends June 10^th!

Included topics cover peaceful guidance, creativity and play, stress relief for parents, mindful motherhood, divorce, coming of age, children and food!

"Mama"

Spencer had a lot of fluid in his ears and after a couple of rounds of testing (several weeks apart), it was finally decided that he needed ear tubes. Of course the fluid made it harder for him to hear us and so his speech is delayed. He would only babble vowel sounds back then. Once he got his ear tubes placed, he quickly started picking up consonant sounds.

I took Spencer for an evaluation with a Speech Therapist earlier this week. She tried several communication tests with him, but also asked me stuff. For instance, we occasionally think Spencer knows "mama" and "dada," but we haven't been sure. It hasn't been consistent enough and he won't copy us, little stinker.

I've heard Spencer saying "mama" a few times near my feet lately and this morning I'm convinced! Spencer crawled over to my feet and said "mama!" He knows my name! I am more excited than I expected to be. I think... I think this is officially his first word!! With Ronni, my mom got him to say "Tigger" as his first word. (I was less than thrilled.) Sasha's first word was definitely "Dada," and I encouraged that. But I am so excited to hear my baby communicate vocally and for his first communication to be... for me! I'm sure he'll be rattling like crazy in no time!

What was your child(ren)'s first word? Were you excited or disappointed?

Change can mean Puddles

Welcome to the Fabulous Hybrid Blog Carnival. Our topic this spring is Change! This post was written for inclusion in the quarterly Blog Carnival hosted by The Fabulous Mama Chronicles and Hybrid Rasta Mama. This month our participants reflect on change in all of its many forms. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.

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We practice Elimination Communication. It seems odd to call it that with Sasha anymore, since she has been out of diapers for about a year. She literally tells us when she needs to potty, so there are no "signs" for which we must watch. We're also doing Elimination Communication with Spencer.

A lot can effect babies and toddlers as far as communicating their needs, including elimination needs. When we moved in October, Sasha was suddenly making puddles everywhere. We knew she was capable of getting to her potty or telling us she needed to go, but we had miss after miss after miss.

I Hate You

We all lose patience, I know its true. And these days, society uses the term hate so willy-nilly. Shoot, if someone tells me they're having a fancy cupcake I might tell them I hate them. At the very least, I might say "I hate you right now."

So then what happens when we're losing patience? (Note: All this happened after Sasha claimed to be ready for bed and nursed for about 3 minutes.) Sasha says she wants a bite. OK. She hasn't been eating very well so I'm happy to oblige. I want to help her find something, anything that she'll eat... aside from more junk food / snacks.

What do you want to eat? She shows me the chair where he booster seat usually sits. No, that is not food. What do you want to eat? "Puppy Dog" What do you want to eat?

Communication and Affection

When you reach your hands out to Sasha, she reacts in a way that fairly clearly communicates that she wants you to pick her up or take her from the person holding her. If she doesn't, she just doesn't react at all. She has a new way, though, of communicating without you offering first. Last night while we were sitting in the floor playing, she reached out to take my right hand. She pulled it to her and left it in her lap. Then she reached out to take my left hand and did the same. I got the distinct impression that she was trying to get my to take her... in my hands. Am I crazy? I thought it was adorable, of course!

Sasha doesn't give kisses very often. It seems that lately when you do kiss her, she immediately lowers her face. This kind of makes her forehead bump into you. Then very recently I noticed that she will lean forward. She presses her forehead to mine and then pulls back again. It seems... like affection. It is like "forehead love." Goofy term, I know. I mentioned it to Daddy and he confirmed, he does this with her all the time. He taught it to her! Then it made sense and I've noticed it more since then. He will lay in the floor facing her and press his forehead to hers. They pause there. It is such a sweet little display of affection. And while this still leaves two humans breathing on each others faces, it seems less germ-sharing than actual kisses. Either way, she seems to have chosen this display of affection over kisses for the most part.