Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Sibling Love / Sibling Hate?

Welcome to the August 2013 Carnival of Natural Parenting: Sibling Revelry

This post was written for inclusion in the monthly Carnival of Natural Parenting hosted by Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama. This month our participants have written about siblings — their own, their hopes for their kids, and more. Please read to the end to find a list of links to the other carnival participants.



I started my childhood living with my single mother, who was fighting to regain custody of my brother. Her attorney encouraged her to get a 2 bedroom apartment - to show that she already had room for him. He did, eventually, move in with us. He had his own room and wore Levi's and I-zods, exclusively. I grew up kind of thinking that he must be my mother's favorite. I later went back to feeling like a favorite. My brother and I were never close. He fought with my mom and then we fought about how he treated her.


My brother and I, circa 1978

Meanwhile, I had step-siblings, too. I had a brother 3 years younger and a sister 3 years older, plus another (older) brother and sister. I would spend time at my dad's and the 2 siblings closest to me in age would fight over time with me. I certainly felt... special. But I never spent enough time to wind up feeling really close with them, either.


My step-brother and I

I see people talk about being from big families and being really close. Lots of family gatherings, even family vacations! My family does do birthday parties and cookouts, but I've never felt close to any of them. Not really.


Tyler with her then-step-siblings

I raised Tyler (til she was about 11) as an only child, though she did have step-siblings for a while, too. Still, my husband and I wanted Sasha to have a close sibling. I don't know what makes me think that they'll be close just for being close in age, but I do hope that for them. Especially with Spencer having Down syndrome, I hope they're close enough that Sasha wants to help look after him when we're gone, but not feel too great a sense of obligation - which is a lot of what I feel toward my own family. Obligation.


Sasha is nearly 4 years old. Soon after her birthday, Spencer will turn 2. For now, he thinks the sun rises and sets on her! She loves him, but often pushes him down for no reason. It is so hard to see her being so mean to him. We hope we didn't make the wrong choice. We love both of them (and Tyler, too!), of course.

I'm curious... Did you come from a large or small family / household? Did that figure in when you decided how many children you wanted? Do you think they'll have a similar experience to yours?


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Carnival of Natural Parenting -- Hobo Mama and Code Name: MamaVisit Code Name: Mama and Hobo Mama to find out how you can participate in the next Carnival of Natural Parenting!

Please take time to read the submissions by the other carnival participants:

  • The Damage of Comparing Siblings — Comparing siblings can lead to hurt feelings and poor relationships. What Jana Falls has learned and why she hopes for more for her son.
  • Connecting Through Sibling Rivalry — With four children who are spaced so that each child grows up in a pair, Destany at They are All of Me shares her method for minimizing the competition so her children can focus on bonding, rather than besting each other.
  • Sibling Revelry — Lucy at Dreaming Aloud shares the two-week transition that happens every summer as her kids transform from bickering to learning how to play.
  • Baby Brother born from an OceanAbby Jaramillo describes how her toddler connects in a possibly mystical way with her new baby brother and his birth at home, and Abby draws parallels with her own sister's new baby.
  • Hard, But Worth It — Claire at The Adventures of Lactating Girl discusses how difficult having two children can be, but how it's definitely worth it.
  • Raising Attached Siblings — At Living Peacefully with Children, Mandy and her husband are making conscious choices about how they raise their children to foster sibling connection and attachment.
  • It's Complicated — Henrietta at Angel Wings and Herb Tea reflects on how life's twists and turns have taken her from a childhood with no siblings to a constantly changing family life with five children, including one in spirit.
  • Supportsustainablemum reflects on how the differences between her relationship with her siblings and her husband's have affected their family and at a time of need.
  • Peas in a Pod — Kellie at Our Mindful Life enjoys the special relationship her oldest two children share.
  • Lessening the competitive enviornment in the homeLisa at The Squishable Baby discusses how downplaying competition in the home has led to cooperation, not competition.
  • The complex and wonderful world of siblings — Lauren at Hobo Mamareflects on her choices to have not too many children, spaced far apart — and how that's maybe limited how close their sibling relationship can be.
  • 5 Ways to Help Young Siblings Have a Loving Relationship — Charise I Thought I Knew Mama shares the strategies that help her three year old and 14 month old have a somewhat beautiful relationship and aid in keeping peace in their home.
  • 4 Steps to Encourage Sibling Revelry, even in Hot Moments of Rivalry — Sheila Pai of A Living Family share 4 Steps she uses to shift hot moments of sibling rivalry towards connected moments of sibling revelry and human compassion.
  • Twins Are Fun — Mercedes at Project Procrastinot witnesses the development of her twins' sibling bond.
  • Growing Up Together- Sibling Revelry in Our House — Amy at Me, Mothering, and Making it All Work realizes that there is great utility in raising siblings that are close in age, and is grateful to have been blessed with healthy siblings that both love and challenge one another every day.
  • Top 5 Ways to Reduce Sibling Rivalry — Deb Chitwood at Living Montessori Now shares ideas that helped her two children be best friends along with Montessori resources for peace education and conflict resolution.
  • Sibling Uncertainty — Alisha at Cinnamon and Sassafras wonders how her children's relationship will change now that the baby is mobile.
  • Living with the Longing — Rachael at The Variegated Life sees that she can live with her longing for another — without changing her plans.
  • For My One and Only DaughterPlaying for Peace mommy reflects on her choice to not have more children in order to focus on other dreams.
  • Siblings: A Crash Course in Relationship Training — How have your siblings prepared you for later relationships? One of Dionna at Code Name: Mama's top priorities as mama of siblings is to help them learn how to navigate relationships.
  • The Joys of Siblings: An Inside Joke — Ana at Panda & Ananaso shares the a glimpse into the joys of having siblings through sharing a perplexing yet hilarious inside joke betwixt her and her own.
  • Sibling Support, even in the potty! — Even though Laura at Pug in the Kitchen's children didn't start out best friends, they are joined at the hip these days, including cheering each other on with potty successes!
  • Don't Seek What Isn't There - On Sibling Jealousy — Laura from Authentic Parenting analyzes the seeming desire people harbor for seeking out hints of sibling jealousy.
  • Sibling Love / Sibling Hate?Momma Jorje speculates whether her children will have a different sibling experience than her own. Did she make the right choices based on her own history?

5 comments:

  1. I have 2 sisters and a half-brother (who did not live with us for the majority of our lives). I was 6 yrs older than my middle sister, 8 yrs older than the youngest (and I'm 11 years younger than my brother). I think I've always wanted a big family and kids who are closer than we were growing up, but I think that is mainly b/c I was so far removed from everyone in age. Now, though, I'm closer to my sisters than I ever was, and my brother and I are getting along better too. I share your hope that my kiddos will want to maintain close ties even after we are gone.

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  2. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who doesn't seem to really "get" extended family. I always feel like I'm missing out on something by not being one of those clans. And it seems like my cousins are closer to each other and their siblings, so…maybe we're just a one-off family that screwed it up? Or maybe it's more common than we think, and I'm seeing a closeness that's not really there. I don't know. I just wish for better for my kids.

    P.S. Didn't know you were such a blondie as a kid!

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    Replies
    1. Oh, I was absolutely tow-headed! Imagine me walking across the border into Mexico with my dark-haired, tanned-from-outdoor-labor father and my Mexican step-family! :D

      And I'm so glad someone else wrote about not getting it, too. I'm feeling kind of alone out here. Like... if I can't even be friends with my siblings, its no wonder I don't have a best friend. :P

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  3. I hear you on extended family. Family in general can feel laden with "obligation" as you name it. I echo your feeling of a lack of closeness. A Living Family is, in fact, in response to my lack of feeling a deep sense of family. To me, it was about creating my own family. Now that I'm years down the road from that beginning (after my first birth), I am finding the relief and support from the Family I have created. It is a wonderful, and yet still a bit awkward, feeling. I am seeing the thread here in the comments, that we all wish for some true and desired closeness on the part of our children. And here we all are thinking on it and blogging together about it. May our families all be blessed with natural connection and compassion....
    ~sheila

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  4. I come from a complicated big, mixed family too, and like you longed for the big family stuff of holidays together and being close... but I think one needs a family of stable characters for that... which are crew are not!

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